Finding Balance between Work and Motherhood

This post is part of the 2010 API Principles of Parenting blog carnival, a series of monthly parenting blog carnivals, hosted by API Speaks. Learn more about attachment parenting by visiting the API website.

When I was a young child, all I ever wanted to do was grow up and work. When I envisioned my future life, I envisioned working. I never really envisioned being a mom. The mom thing was always on the periphery. I knew I would be a mom someday, but getting my college degree and a job were my focus. I just thought the mom thing was something I could do part time. I laugh at myself now for being so naive.

When my husband and I started thinking about having children, the child-care decision weighed heavily on us. We wouldn’t get pregnant until we knew we had a good child-care option. For me, quitting work wasn’t an option. We already made prior commitments (like a mortgage!) that was dependent on my income. Furthermore, I didn’t even really want to quit. I liked (like!) my job. However, I also knew that I wanted my future child to be in good hands while my husband and I were at work. Many people choose a grandparent to babysit their child, but that wasn’t an option for us. We kind of started putting the word out to our friends and family that we wanted to have a baby, but we were hesitant because of childcare. And that is how we found our future babysitter.

“I will watch your baby!” our family friend told us. I call her a family friend, but she is more like our fairy godmother. She and her husband also hosted our wedding and they treat us like we are their own children. They are among the most selfless people I know. And now, she is Gavin’s “Auntie Jannie.” (Or, Nana, as he calls her now). I made her confirm with me several times that she would become our babysitter before I would even consider getting pregnant. “Are you suuuure?” I would ask. She would always confirm that she was sure.

Then I got pregnant, and suddenly, working wasn’t nearly as important to me as it once was. Sure, I still liked my job, but my focus was the growing baby in my belly. Among many other discomforts of pregnancy, I had morning sickness (morning! ha!) for nearly 24 weeks. I had insomnia. I could barely pull myself together to get to work.

And that was the first time I approached my boss about altering my work schedule. I was really nervous to talk to her. I have always been the employee that took on as much work as possible. I loved working from home or doing extra assignments. Now, I was asking my boss if I could have a break. I was scared. I really wanted to work from home one day per week. I felt like this would give me a break. I wouldn’t have to fight traffic or sit in the bathroom stall for at least an hour that day while I threw up. I could lay in bed with my laptop. I could make healthy meals. I could sit outside in the fresh air and work if I wanted.

So I wrote up a plan on how I could make working from home work. I gave her the reasons why I wanted to work from home, how I would continue to do my job remotely, and I explained the environment in which I would work. At first, she didn’t understand what was so great about being home. Then I had a meltdown in her office and told her about how I had been sick for months – everday. Riding in a car made me even more sick. It was hard to do my job because I just felt so terrible all of the time. She told me that we could try it. So on my day at home, I worked hard and I proved to her that I could do it. I didn’t have to call in sick for another day of my pregnancy. That day at home provided me with the rest and rejuvenation I needed. I think I even did my job better after that.

I continued to work at home one day a week until I started my three months of maternity leave. My last day of work was on my due date (with no baby in sight!). It was a week before Christmas. I knew that when I returned to work, the working-at-home deal would be gone. I couldn’t “work” at home with my baby there. I decided I would deal with the work issue again when I had to go back.

Those three months of maternity leave passed all too quickly. I wasn’t ready to go back to work and my baby wasn’t ready for me to leave him either. But I had to go. Fortunately, I had Auntie Jannie there to take over for me while I was gone. We started the first two weeks back to work slowly. She came to my house and I only worked half-days. It wasn’t so hard for those first few weeks.

Gavin's first day at the babysitter's house.

Then we transitioned to full days, 40 hours per week. I had to yank my sweet sleeping boy out of bed in the morning and take him out in the cold car. Fortunately, my happy-go-lucky son was always smiling from ear to ear in those early mornings. I would stay and talk to Auntie Jannie for a while before I headed out to work. I would breastfeed and spend some time with Gavin before I left. Those mornings were definitely harder on me than they were for him.

On Fridays, my sister would babysit, which gave Auntie Jannie a break. My sister was excited to spend time with Gavin, and Gavin loved spending time with her. He would immediately fall asleep in her arms when she held him first thing in the morning.

I pumped milk while I was at work, and when I returned home in the evenings, I would immediately nurse him. He was always ready for another nap in those early days so I would hold my sleeping baby while my husband cooked dinner.

The evenings were hectic. I was tired. Gavin stopped sleeping well around 2.5 months old. He woke every 30-60 minutes all night long. Literally. This went on for about three months. We co-slept, so I continued to nurse Gavin all night. He was fussy in the evenings. Really fussy. And he was impossible to get to sleep. There were so many nights when we walked back and forth in the room humming lullabies and dancing.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired. I missed Gavin. And I just felt like the balance of our household was off. Not only was I working full time, but our evenings were chaotic. Gavin craved my attention, yet I still had a hundred other things to do (like take a shower!).

I talked to my husband about cutting back my hours. After looking at our finances, we decided that we could afford to cut back my hours by one day per week. Again, I had to approach my boss about altering my work schedule. This time, though, I was cutting out an entire day. Again, I made a plan about how I could complete my work and I presented it to her. I ensured her that my work quality or quantity would not be affected. She agreed to letting me cut back my hours, and she said, “I understand.” I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have a boss who can empathize with my desire to be a good mom and a good employee.

In addition to cutting back my work hours, I devised an evening routine. This way, we all knew what to expect in the evenings and my husband knew how he could help me out. He started reguarly making dinner and giving Gavin his baths. This gave me a chance to spend one-on-one time with Gavin, and it also allowed me time to take a shower and get a few things done for myself.

Once my sister had her own baby and couldn’t watch Gavin anymore, Gavin continued to go to Auntie Jannie’s four days per week. They developed their own routines and rhythms of the day. She held him for every nap (and she still does at 18 months!) and responded to his every need. I have no doubts that Auntie Jannie goes above and beyond being a babysitter or a nanny. She provides Gavin with constant, consistent, and loving care.

And as a bonus, Gavin’s “Uncle Brian” comes home from work everyday to eat lunch with his wife and Gavin. He is truly surrounded by people who love him.

I am lucky because I work at a job that provides a lot of vacation/sick time. I can take time off when I need it. I also work for bosses who support me as a mother, and as a breastfeeding mother. I have an office that locks, which gives me a comfortable and quiet place to pump. In addition, they have worked with me on working remotely when my pump broke and I waited for a replacement, and also when I forgot my bottles at home or had some other random breastfeeding emergency. Their flexibility has allowed me to be a better mother and a better employee. I feel like I found balance between work and motherhood.

Is your work/home life out of balance? Here are my tips for making it work:

Evaluate your budget and find out exactly how much flex-money you have. Are there any expenses you can cut that would allow you to cut back your hours at work?
If you would like to cut back your hours or work from home sometimes, make a plan and present your boss with your plan. Tell her the reasons why you want to work from home and how exactly you will be able to keep up with the demand of your job outside of your office. Go into detail with your plan. Convince your boss that your plan is doable.
Make sure both parents are doing their part during non-working hours. I drop Gavin off at the babysitter and my husband picks him up. My husband spends an hour alone with Gavin before I get home from work and then I spend time alone with him while my husband cooks dinner and cleans up a little bit. My husband bathes Gavin while I bathe myself. We also spend time together as a family playing in the evening. My husband and I reconnect over dinner and our evening walks.
Spend quality time with your children during your time off. Some chores can wait. Some phone calls can wait. Some of your other responsibilities can wait. Make sure spending time with your children is a priority for both parents. On my day off, I don’t spend it cooking and cleaning it. That day is devoted only to Gavin. We go to Gymboree, we nap together, and we play all day.
Sit down with your spouse and talk about your expectations. Part of the chaos in our house was due to lack of communication. My husband didn’t understand how stressed out I was or how he could help me until we really talked about it.
Find a care-taker for your child who respects your wishes. Nothing is more stressful than worrying if your babysitter is doing what you asked.
Get on the same page as your child’s care-taker about what is important to you. I did not want Gavin to cry himself to sleep and I made this clear. Fortunately, she was already on the same page as me with that one. I also had many wishes regarding food and breastmilk. One of my biggest concerns about working was that I would miss his “firsts.” Auntie Jannie and I had a deal that she couldn’t tell me about any of his milestones unless I saw/heard them first.
Encourage the relationship between your caretaker and your child. I admit that this was hard for me at first because I was afraid that Gavin would like his babysitter more than me. These feelings mostly stemmed from feeling guilty about working. However, I always wanted Gavin to love spending the day with his Auntie Jannie. We bought her an Ergo so she could wear Gavin during chores and for his naps. We always talk positively about Auntie Jannie and get excited with Gavin when he gets to go to her house. His face still lights up when we tell him he gets to see her. We did experience a week or two of separation anxiety when he was about 15 months old, but I think that is to be expected.
Trust your gut and go with your instincts. If the situation doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
Let your child lead you. I read so many things that told me not to prolong the goodbye process in the mornings, but I followed Gavin’s lead and I stayed with him in the mornings until he was ready for me to go. Some days, this meant staying for a cup of coffee and some days if meant that I would eat breakfast with him. Again, my flexible work schedule allows this, which might not be possible for everyone. We just built in an earlier wake-up time so we had extra time together in the mornings. We always leave each other in the morning with hugs, kisses, and smiles.
Co-sleep. I might have been away from Gavin all day, but I held him close all night. I even looked forward to one or two night-wakings (one or two. Not 10 or 12!). Read the Attachment Parenting International’s Safe Sleep Guidelines to ensure you are safely co-sleeping.

Here is an example of what our evening routine looked like. I posted this on our fridge so we would all know what to expect in the evenings. Of course, we didn’t follow it exactly, but it gave us a guideline. It also let my husband know what he needed to do if I was busy with Gavin.

5:30 – Get home from work, nurse Gavin
5:45 – Feed the dog, put milk in fridge
6:00 – Start on dinner
6:30 – Eat dinner
7:00 – Bath
7:20 – Diaper, jammies
7:25 – Read a book
7:35 – Go on walk
8:00 – Put Gavin to bed
8:30 – Do dishes, clean, etc.

Because I drop Gavin off at the babysitters, and my husband picks him up, I didn’t get the details of his day. I created some “daycare cards” that allowed my babysitter to keep track of everything he ate and drank, and his naps. This helped me better plan for how much I needed to pump the next day, what solids I should feed for dinner, and when I could expect him to get tired for bed.

Download the daycare cards for your own use. I used Avery 4×6 postcards, but you can also just print on paper and cut them out:

MS Word: Becoming Mamas daycare cards(if you have MS Word, you can edit these cards to fit your needs. You can type in your child’s name at the top of the card, adjust the time to fit your schedule, and type in your phone numbers, too.)

PDF version: Becoming Mamas daycare cards PDF