My most vivid memory of breastfeeding is looking into these eyes.
The other day, a friend of mine who is pregnant asked me if I liked breastfeeding. It seems like the obvious answer would be “yes.” After all, I’ve been doing it for almost two years now, and people don’t just do things for two years that they don’t like. But with breastfeeding, it wasn’t that simple. There have been good days and bad days (or weeks!). There are moments of pure bliss and moments of pure frustration. I’ve laughed, cried, screamed, and slept while breastfeeding. Today, I am walking around with a knot in my back because I breastfed my sick toddler all night long, and laid in the most uncomfortable position. Not that I would have it any other way, but I can’t necessarily say that it has always been enjoyable.
This was my response to her (with a few edits 
):
I don’t know if I would say I like breastfeeding in terms of how I like other things… I like watching good movies, I like eating chocolate, I like sitting on the beach, I like good wine (I really like sitting on the beach while drinking good wine) – those are all selfish likes, I guess, and that is how I would typically determine that I like something. Do I like sticking my boob in my kid’s mouth whenever the mood/hunger strikes him? Well, not exactly. It’s not something that I necessarily look forward to (except when I needed to relieve the pressure of engorgement. Ha!). However, I like it in an unselfish way, I guess. I know that I am giving him the nutrients/antibodies/etc. that he needs. I know that I’m giving him comfort that he craves. So in that sense, it is satisfying and rewarding. It’s worth it. Breastfeeding also gives me some peace of mind that I am doing something really great for my kid. So, it has been a positive experience, but I’m not sure if I would say that I “like” it. I like a lot of things about it, but I wouldn’t say that I actually like the act of breastfeeding.
Also, the likability factor changes every day. The first few weeks were challenging. He didn’t have the best latch so it took a while to work that out (stock up on lanolin!). Then we got thrush when he was about 3 weeks old. That lasted until he was about 6-7 weeks old. Around 2 weeks, he hit a growth spurt, which is really common at that age so get ready, and he nursed around the clock. I mean – I would be nursing him for 4 hours straight. Or I would nurse for 2 hours and he would take a 30 minute break, only to eat again for another 2 hours. It was exhausting. I called the OK state department of health’s lactation consultant hotline, and she assured me that it was normal and to just keep feeding him. She told me that he would go back to normal after 5-7 days, and he did! They were amazing. I highly recommend calling them if you have any problems or questions. They are probably the reason I continued to breastfeed. I would say that I was fairly educated on breastfeeding. I previously worked with a breastfeeding study, I took the breastfeeding class and read the books, but I still needed more guidance.
Once those first few weeks were over, it got a lot easier. He eventually started nursing less frequently and for shorter periods of time. I learned how to safely co-sleep, which was a life-saver for me. It allowed me to breastfeed and sleep at the same time.
I was nervous about breastfeeding in public, but once I tried it a few times, I realized it wasn’t so bad. I eventually had no problem breastfeeding in public.
I’ve only recently started to dislike breastfeeding. The kid is heavy and wiggly and I’m just sick of it. Also, weaning really sucks, but I don’t have the patience to let him completely wean on his own, which typically doesn’t happen until they are like 2.5-5 years old (or older!).
On the positive side though, it is relaxing and it gives me a great excuse to just sit or lie down and relax. Breastfeeding also meant that I got to hold Gavin and take care of him. It definitely helped with bonding. We had to get in tune with each other and stay in tune. Breastfeeding definitely facilitates one of the closest and deepest relationships you’ll ever be in.
So yeah… it’s good and it’s bad. It fluctuates from minute to minute or day to day.
And here is my unsolicited advice – if possible, spend as much time alone with the baby as possible in the beginning, or with just your immediate family. This will give you the chance to really listen to yourself, to your instincts, and get in tune with your baby. I thought that I wouldn’t know what to do, but I did. Next time, I will definitely limit the visitors. Breastfeeding can be challenging and it is not something you can easily do in front of a crowd. I’ve had more than one person tell me that they eventually had to lock themselves in their room and focus on nothing but breastfeeding. Also, everyone thinks they know better than you do, and that is intimidating to a mom with a newborn. When I was struggling with breastfeeding in those first few weeks, a lot of people told me to just switch to formula. The idea was tempting, but I was prepared for people to say that, and I tried to ignore them.
Usually things that I like are easy or selfish. Breastfeeding was neither. I guess it is like saying that I liked college. Overall, yeah, I liked it, but it certainly wasn’t easy. It was an experience, and like most experiences, there are pros and cons, good days and bad days, happy moments and sad moments. Ultimately, it was worth it, even if I didn’t always “like” it.
Is it wrong to ‘like’ this? haha
I needed this post today, Holly. I’m tandem nursing a 21 month old and a 8 week old. And I’m exhausted. And I think I’m slipping into a pretty significant postpartum depression.
I don’t like breastfeeding right now. I’m still doing it. It’s the best thing, whether I care or not right now. But I don’t like it.
Thanks for not liking it too sometimes.
lol Morgan – it almost felt like a confession to admit that I didn’t exactly like breastfeeding!
I’m so sorry to hear you are so tired and experiencing postpartum depression. Please feel free to email us if you need to talk. Our email address is becomingmamas@gmail.com. I hope you have someone near you that you can go to for help. If not, let us know and we’ll help how we can. (((hugs)))
I totally agree with you on this. Mostly I love it. But sometimes I don’t. When she is scratching at my face in the middle of the night after she’s been nursing for hours, I don’t like it. But when she looks in my eyes and grins at me, I love it
Exactly
I love when Gavin is breastfeeding and he smiles or laughs. So cute!
I was thinking about this topic today as I was visiting one of my good friends. My son is about 16 months old and my friend’s son is 12 months. She decided to stop breastfeeding when he was about 2 months old and I am still breastfeeding around the clock. There are days when attachment parenting seems almost too exhausting. I am grateful that I have had the energy and determination to parent this way, but sometimes I catch myself day dreaming about what it must be like to have your baby sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old!
Thank you for this post because you pretty much described exactly what I was trying to put into words for myself this afternoon. Knowing that I am not the only one that doesn’t always “like” breastfeeding but finds it totally worth it, is a huge encouragement to me.
In general I have found your blog to be so informative and a great source of support. I discovered it only last week after a facebook friend linked to your post about baby carriers. You have been a blessing to me in the midst of moving back to my hometown where my parents are not always as excited about our “hippie” style parenting as we are! Thank You!
Thank you so much for your comment! I’ve found a lot of support for my hippie lifestyle online. The online community can definitely keep me going sometimes.
I would love to have a kid who sleeps through the night, but it might not happen no matter what your parenting style. Babies just seem to do what they want
The only time I really disliked it was the day or so before my period was arriving, when it felt uncomfortable, plus my supply was lower that day so he was doing it more often. I got my period about 15 times before he self-weaned. 15 days of gritting my teeth wasn’t so bad. I understand that much of pregnancy is just like that, so I am very glad he weaned himself before I got pregnant again.
Other than that, there was some frustration when I thought it wasn’t going as well as it should. He had tongue-tie at first that we had clipped. Then he spent much of the first year on a nursing strike and I could only get him to eat just as he was waking up from sleep. But it wasn’t the breastfeeding itself that was the annoyance then. The breastfeeding part was pleasant enough.
Yeah – there are days that are much worse than others. It sounds like you had a great attitude about it all though.
It is so nice to hear someone else say this. You feel like when you choose to Breastfeed you are not allowed to ever say anthing bad about the experience but some days being that attached is exhuasting. I would do it all again even knowing what I know now, even with the reflux that I never thought I would deal with if my baby was breastfed, even with that two week growth spurt (no one told me about that, I don’t even remember reading about it in any books). I called my husband crying and told him I had been tied to the bed for 6 hours and had literally only gone to the bathroom and grabbed a bottle of water. I remember at one point in the the six hours I completly disrobed from the waist up as clothing just got in the way of switching back and forth. Now I am so signed on this kid gets at least a year and then we will reasses.
With our son, I had a sore nipple that wouldn’t heal (turned out to be a staph infection) and recurring mastitis over a period of about 6-8 weeks. Needless to say, I did NOT enjoy breastfeeding. But, I did it anyway, and I’m SO glad I did. It was worth every minute of excruciating pain
It’s going much better this time. Baby girl latched on right away, I’m more experienced… just better all around.
The thing I absolutely LOVE about breastfeeding is the convenience. Not having to wash bottles and tote milk everywhere makes it all worthwhile.
I think this is a great post… but just need to throw out a differing thought. I actually really like breastfeeding, even love it. I nursed my firstborn until he self-weaned at 18-19 months… when I was newly pregnant with #2. I was sad, even though 18 months was the length of time I’d envisioned breastfeeding, I wasn’t emotionally ready to let it go. That said, my breastfeeding journey has mostly been smooth… it was very difficult in the early weeks with my firstborn, since he didn’t have a good latch and then wasn’t nursing efficiently once he DID latch well… but after we sorted that out a few weeks in, it was smooth sailing all the way. The soreness upon latching disappeared after 4-6 weeks, and I never experienced the horrors of bleeding, cracked nipples, clogged ducts, or mastitis. I was able to pump when I was at work until he was a year old, and then we just nursed on demand when we were together. He didn’t sleep through the night until he was 14 or 15 months old, but he also slept with us until 11.5 months and I nursed in my sleep. The second time around has been even easier, since #2 latched immediately and I knew what I was doing this time. All in all, I love the convenience, the bonding, the closeness, and the nutritional benefits of breastfeeding. I can’t really think of much I DON’T like about it.
I agree with everything in this post. I have often not enjoyed breastfeeding, but overall I do love it.
Yesterday as my sleepy 18-month-old climbed into my lap with his eyes closed and sighed as he latched on, melting into my arms, I felt so grateful for this beautiful gift, and sorry that it will ever end!
I plan to let him self-wean. . . though if it doesn’t happen before he’s three, I will coax him along!